Maggie Gallagher Speaks at IPS
Author Maggie Gallagher spoke to a packed room at the IPS Blessed Cardinal Newman Lecture Series on Friday, February 11. Among her themes were her experience as an atheist and single mother in college, her reconversion to Catholicism ten years later, and positive signs that buoy her hope for a better understanding of marriage and parenting in the future.
In discussing her own development and awareness of her identity, she described the impact of becoming a mother and the permanence of that relationship with another human being; she realized she would never stop being her child’s mother, not simply biologically but that their relationship-to-each-other has its own existence.
Similarly, she described her coming to view her “wifeness” as a permanent part of who she is, given the relationship she has established with her husband (who is Hindu, by the way). Thus, on her way to her religious conversion, she came to identify with the idea that, “divorce is not ‘wrong’; it’s impossible.”
Like with a baby, the relationship cannot be “unmade” once it exists. One would have to deny that the relationship—the marriage—ever existed for her to not be a wife; it could not be undone once that was part of her identity.
Gallagher then touched on a “paradigm shift” she had witnessed over the last 30 years regarding divorce and children. She noted that as late as the 1980s, the “cultural elite” of Western society believed that divorce had very little negative impact on children, whereas today it is generally accepted that the children of broken families are at significantly higher risk for problems ranging from depression and suicide to aggression and deviancy.
She asserted that the perspective quietly changed over time for three reasons, and not because of a transition from an “old guard” to a new. First was that influential people themselves married and experienced divorce, and saw the negative impacts on their children. Second was that many children of divorce have now grown up and are speaking out about their experience. And third is the availability of social science data that has quantified the impact.
Lastly Gallagher talked about her hopes for the future, particularly with better marriage preparation efforts. She quipped that John Paul II’s Theology of the Body has offered wonderful insights and ideals for couples, but also asserted that the “gift of self” can often feel lacking and individuals will be sadly mistaken if they expect to perceive it always coming their way.
Instead she summarized, the more centuries-old advice as, “Suck it up (and pray for death).” Whether or not that was ever a valid Catholic perspective, she emphasized that life brings challenges and we grow through them.
Plus, regardless of how far our childhoods might have been from an ideal, we are always children of God and never “defective goods”, so there is always hope. In testimony of that, Gallagher cited findings from focus groups that showed that many troubled couples who have stuck together rather than divorce eventually worked through their problems and things improved substantially. Counseling and clergy can help, but it also takes time and perseverance.
Author Maggie Gallagher spoke to a packed room at the IPS Blessed Cardinal Newman Lecture Series on Friday, February 11. Among her themes were her experience as an atheist and single mother in college, her reconversion to Catholicism ten years later, and positive signs that buoy her hope for a better understanding of marriage and parenting in the future.In discussing her own development and awareness of her identity, she described the impact of becoming a mother and the permanence of that relationship with another human being; she realized she would never stop being her child’s mother, not simply biologically but that their relationship-to-each-other has its own existence.
Similarly, she described her coming to view her “wifeness” as a permanent part of who she is, given the relationship she has established with her husband (who is Hindu, by the way). Thus, on her way to her religious conversion, she came to identify with the idea that, “divorce is not ‘wrong’; it’s impossible.”
Like with a baby, the relationship cannot be “unmade” once it exists. One would have to deny that the relationship—the marriage—ever existed for her to not be a wife; it could not be undone once that was part of her identity.
Gallagher then touched on a “paradigm shift” she had witnessed over the last 30 years regarding divorce and children. She noted that as late as the 1980s, the “cultural elite” of Western society believed that divorce had very little negative impact on children, whereas today it is generally accepted that the children of broken families are at significantly higher risk for problems ranging from depression and suicide to aggression and deviancy.
She asserted that the perspective quietly changed over time for three reasons, and not because of a transition from an “old guard” to a new. First was that influential people themselves married and experienced divorce, and saw the negative impacts on their children. Second was that many children of divorce have now grown up and are speaking out about their experience. And third is the availability of social science data that has quantified the impact.
Lastly Gallagher talked about her hopes for the future, particularly with better marriage preparation efforts. She quipped that John Paul II’s Theology of the Body has offered wonderful insights and ideals for couples, but also asserted that the “gift of self” can often feel lacking and individuals will be sadly mistaken if they expect to perceive it always coming their way.
Instead she summarized, the more centuries-old advice as, “Suck it up (and pray for death).” Whether or not that was ever a valid Catholic perspective, she emphasized that life brings challenges and we grow through them.
Plus, regardless of how far our childhoods might have been from an ideal, we are always children of God and never “defective goods”, so there is always hope. In testimony of that, Gallagher cited findings from focus groups that showed that many troubled couples who have stuck together rather than divorce eventually worked through their problems and things improved substantially. Counseling and clergy can help, but it also takes time and perseverance.